We accept the love we think we deserve

Sam: Why do I and everyone I love pick people who treat us like we’re nothing?
Charlie: We accept the love we think we deserve.


How many times have you asked yourself, why do I always end up with the wrong guy? Every one of us, at some point or the other, has settled for someone. We reason out with ourselves, count the positive traits of the person, hope to change the annoying ones and most importantly, fear that we wont find anyone else. It probably is also the fear of being alone that makes us chose the wrong person. Sometimes, we think ” may be I have set my standards too high ,I should go out with this person and who knows, I might end up liking him/her”.

It doesn’t quite work that way, does it?

Initially we accept the differences and adjust but very soon we start cursing ourselves for taking the wrong decision and try hard to change the person we are with- to make him/her someone, we feel, will be a better match for us. In the start, to keep us happy, they always listen but soon they give up pretending to be someone they are not. (Which, I think, is only fair.)

All that’s left then are two unhappy people in a sad relationship. Sometimes, by the time we realize this, the person is so deep seated in our lives that breaking up becomes extremely difficult- not the process itself but because we think it would be a great deal of pain to break the routine of being with them and because of the thought that the next person we go out with might be even worse… Once a girl I know had said,” I want to break up but I don’t think I’m ready to find someone new and put all the effort to get into the comfort zone I’m in now with my current boyfriend.” I had flashed her my been-there-done-that smile…

Last night, when I heard the quote above in Perks of being a Wallflower, I released that is the answer to all our doubts and confusion. We accept the love we think we deserve. When we doubt our worth and what we deserve, it’s easy to end up with a person just because he/she is willing to be with us (in the fear that we might not be good enough for anyone else or we might not find anyone better in the near future). Definitely not the right reasons to be with someone…

That doesn’t mean we should go back to fantasizing about the “perfect” people from the chick-flicks (or about Christian Grey in 50 Shades of Grey!). Thanks to Disney and all the Romantic Comedies we start making images of the perfect man who’ll ‘come and sweep us off our feet’ from a very early age. Right from high school, we decide on our “type” and wait for someone like Landon Carter ( from A Walk to Remember)  to come and solve all our problems and give us “endless happiness”.  When we don’t see that happening, we panic and that’s when we start taking the wrong decisions. If you do find your prince charming in real life, you are probably one of the very few lucky people. For the rest of us, then starts the weighing of options, categorisation of ourselves into a “league” (so as to decide if the next person we meet is in or out of it) and realisation of the fact that perfect people exist only in fiction. It often becomes very difficult to understand if we are expecting too much or if we indeed deserve more. This is the part that we need to figure out ourselves. No one else, even parents and best friends, with our best interests in their hearts, will be able to help us with this. This is when we need to clear our heads of the fairy tales and think hard about ourselves and what kind of person would compliment our nature and make us happy.

So the first step to finding the right person for us is to know our own selves. Everything else should then fall in place.

(This article was published in For Any Woman (a digital magazine in the UK) in their July/August Issue. www.foranywoman.com)


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